Elder son.

Last night I spoke with Josh. It´s been years since we haven´t had time for free sharing. He told me things I didn´t know. He has grown up enough to take care of his life and now he seems willing to teach me, each time he sees he can.

I gave him some tips. I don´t want him to be a dad before getting a profession, and he agreed. He introduced me to one of his girlfriends (I don´t know how many he has got) but this is simply nice looking and I knew nothing about her, except she sleeps wholeheartedly with him. She´s not older than 20 and, if I were her dad, I wouldn´t like to have my daughter sleeping with anyone who haven´t married her.

I told him to take care of her loving. He said she cares herself to avoid pregnancy but I said he is responsible too, that I would use shields if I were him.

I don´t want him to leave babies or women alone, but I can´t do anything. Today young people split and start new love affairs that easy, that I don´t want to think who could be the real father in a messy life anyone could be living.

We spoke on some hopes and dreams a girl (or women) could have. Chances are that many will be passed by at pregnancy, since this affects both woman and man. We seldom know the biological father in a messy life, except when asking DNA tests. Sadly I know there were fathers who were not the real ones and the joy they once felt, faded when knowing the truth of a cheating spouse.

Josh has lived more than I. When I was his age I lacked his experience. I lacked God too, because it was a wild living I got. I pray his life be changed for God´s, for his life´s benefit and I´d love to see him changed. Elisha needs the same turnout, their mother needs to come back to God´s ways to heal their home.

Alcohol or tobacco were not my vice. I knew no drug, except that of “free” sex, lying for pleasure with this cheating tongue. Two or three times I felt drunk, but these guys of mine are living too fast, a way I don´t understand. That´s their life!... They need to live it up to see God´s light.

My dad was not Christian. He left my life alone in my grandmother´s hugs, so I knew from my faults and mistakes. I seldom shared deep feelings or ideas with him at childhood. We had no time to share, and I disliked the time he spent reading his newspapers. I wish he had given me that time, but it was “his” time (not mine).

I wish I could coach my children somehow: My daughter pays so little attention, she wants money instead; And Elisha has his own ideas... I don´t care they don´t need me! I´m happy they are their own. They need to learn alone, but I wished I could help them.

I cannot blame any other person, but me. Divorce brings communicational ruptures I cannot mend and it´s reluctantly “Ok”. There´s no point at crying when the milk has spilled from my hand.

If I were “home” I would not let Joshua or Elisha to sleep with their girlfriends. I guess they have had several mates in a simple year. Joshua told me he thought to pay a whore while he was alone, during 9 months... I told him I never paid for that kind of sex. I could have paid something to have a company who was not companionship, but it wasn´t love either. I recommended him not to do so: My concern is spiritual. Morally, a sin is sin.

I thought he could see life briefly from my standpoint. I told him I bypassed many girls who could have been good wives, but sex got me blind. I was wrong (I´m wrong) but I can´t tell him what to do, except God, in his heart.

These girls he has are not seeking money, but pleasure. I told him someone of 50 wanted to marry a girl of 16... Josh acknowledged that man was wrong and said those girls he has found are sex machines... I agreed! I´ve seen too many parents allow their children use “homes” as “Hotels”... My advice to Joshua was the same for that man, and I said that was not real love; because I have read of men who have killed those kids when they found them cheating. Cheating could be found out on both, men or women. Christian or pagan unbelievers have too many fantasies. Is there no way to stop sinners? There is ONE (I´m a sinner) but we´re unwilling to stop it.

This weekend I went out with one of my ex-gf. She invited her daughter and a friend to have a walk in a mountain. Before we were finished, she saw I was sending text messages to someone I was wooing and made a joke, so I said: “I have to take care of those I have”.

When leaving, after an hour or so, she sent me a text message thanking me for the time we shared and telling me “...she was willing to have another meeting, but alone, if I was pleased”. I said “she is married...”, and she quickly talked back telling me “...she has some freedom in marriage. She closed that chapter of her life with me...” but it took me two decades to realized I was unwilling to turn those pages she said she turned; and that last encounter served me to close the book I was writing in my mind, so I partially said: “It is me who had problems to understand I don´t need your friendship”. I said to myself.

A pen friend I had said it well... There are men and women who like to have more friends than they need and “some like to have extramarital issues”, but I don´t need friends, except only one.

Joshua told me he had a friend who told him about his love affair with a rich woman. She paid his friend everything he needed or wanted... Fortunately (for that mother and woman) Josh´s friend started to woo the daughter of her mate and, any moment, the mother knew he was a cheater... Any day she appeared at the man´s family house and told them the kind of man he has been during their relationship and all the things she bought for him... That reminded me the writing of a friend who wrote “La prostitución como alternativa” (Prostitution as alternative) I think I should get it translated! (Haven´t I done it yet?)

Joshua knows money is an issue to be “safely” engaged. He cares as much as he can. He is clear he needs more money to build his home (Thanks God! He is more responsible than I was).

I left Carol and MP. I don´t want these lessons to be reminded by more sad experiences. I just left them to avoid repeating those mistakes I made: I knew whom I like, but I was blind to keep this life alive.

What I forgot to tell you, my son, it´s do not trust you more than God. You may think you are right, but time will tell you are or were wrong. Do not trust your eyes, your feelings nor people´s. Do not trust your thoughts, your body shape and its strength today. Trust God, not you!

The very day you stop believing you to trust in God (and His chosen one) your life will be changed and things be turned to favor you.

You will not find the best woman without His help. They could love you as much as they can, but you need Him to love her the way she is to get the one that could be gotten. You need faith in Him, not in you or your ways to walk life. I can´t teach you this I´m learning. I lived your way, and I was wrong (and was wronged). What would happened if you have gone to pay a whore? What´s wrong when you use people you don´t love to get sex?

Don´t miss the person you may have wanted to keep your whole life. Don´t sleep with those you would not commit yourself to be married. I wish God gives you the ONE you have liked to love.

I tried to tell him healthy relationships need God in between. Those who left -after a split- didn´t find what they liked or what they seek. There is not a safe way to keep what does not belong. I see people leave God, somewhere and somehow. How much will I leave those I don´t love for being cheaters or false the way I was and used to be? I said I´m not better than a dozen and not worst than hundreds.

Children will not keep you to your wife´s love. Money cannot buy your dreams neither other´s. Many are around wooing at any who could dare to smile. Coveting is a sin we pay too little attention sometimes.

Beauty has drawn you to girls and, same way they go to those whom they like (for the same pleasure or desire) there´s no a safe way to keep those you may cling to. That depends on your will, their will and your decisions.

I tried to tell him love is not sex. “Man cannot live on bread alone...” We need God´s direction and to be modeled by His perfect will.

He knows his giving and receiving. At his age I wasn´t like that, so I´m glad for the things his mother might have told him. He knows the importance of money. He is not stingy and has learned from other sources outside me.

I pointed out the broken relationship I had with his mother. He has learned from hers more than mine. There was a time I felt jealous when someone his mother had got his attention away from me. I don´t remember how long it was -more than a while- and Elisha joked at him for that, several times... That hurts! It often happens when we´re divorced, so I wish to spare him that pain.

We don´t say it aloud, but something happens when you have a brother (or a sister) who has a different mother or father. Many have learned to love the right way, but I belonged to the minority who experienced that kind of rejection from my Mom while many learned it from their Dads.

What have you felt when meeting your mom embraced in other man´s arms?

What do you feel when you see your dad kissed another woman who is not your mom?

What have you felt when your ex-gf (or boyfriend) kisses another?

My elder son has his own ideas. He told me he was watching “to see who was the best girl he finds”. He disliked some have tried to change him... I said they did it for love, for his benefit, not selfishly to get him into a trap. I said tobacco is a drug; and those girls who asked him to stop that habit did it well. I didn´t have chance to tell him: “the best thing in world you could give a girl is you” because there were interruptions... I didn´t know how to tell him he is the possessor of everything he could give a woman who has accepted him -the way he is- to help him change WITH LOVE and for love.

He is like me when talking. He wanted to be heard, and I gave him that attention he asked. He was limited in time, he planned to leave early next morning, so I was given a borrowed time he could have spent with his girlfriend, laid in a bed... What were those things hindering me to keep my child? Think about you! Is your ex-spouse jealous for the relationship you´ve got with your children?

Joshua asked me to open a new mail account for FB. I didn´t ask why he wants them anew. I may infer he wants to leave his past behind, because there are more ways to keep present updated. Let´s say he wants to settle down and felt hindered to tell more while his time was running faster than mine.

Within a week he goes back to his military service. I said I never went there because I haven´t found citizenship at this country I was born. I avoided to be screwed up by their patriotic lies since I do not believe I´m Venezuelan while I admired him for his character, responsibility; because he comes to work, instead of enjoying his days off (I would enjoy myself to rest; but he comes to make money, so he clearly understands the price he pays for his living).

I needed a good turnout to start leaving things and names behind.

I´m happy my son has found some human release. That´s not the Christian way, this is not how it should be, but it is his: I was worst!

Enduring love comes from the Eternal source of love: God´s. Perhaps Joshua is wrong on few or more things than I am, but he is right to live his life to learn from it.

Samson chose to love people outside his people. I have found out there are differing and different beliefs within the same denomination, you believe one thing and I see another; so I don´t see clearly who talks with her heart when using the tongue our social life has styled. I´m so far from God´s standards that I failed my whole life.

It´s easy to expect other people pay the price we have to pay for the things we receive or those we´d like to be receiving. This is selfish. It is us who have to pay the price for being loved. I´m selfish and egotist too, each time I´m expecting God to do it for myself. Can I play the piano without using my hands? Does a guitar play its notes without anyone putting his/her fingers on different strings?

I cannot write a poem from emptiness. Love has its music to be played. Does an unwilling mouth sing love music without its feeling?

Emotions are self-centered. Misunderstanding may affect long-term relationships so I have to learn the music some feelings like.

I don´t like salsa music played. I can´t dance what I disliked or hate. I´m stubbornly convinced of the things I like or believed. Each persons is who she/he is. No one is the same, there´s no one to blame. What are the sounds a beating heart likes?

Character is modeled by years. We´re not the same we were and still believe we haven´t changed. Time, experience and the intercourse of people made me to be different. Willingly or not, I changed. Knowing the truth helped me to behave (and I need to change more). Some are changing for their good or worst. Some are convinced they did right or wrong. There is a longing to change, to be improved, or to remain the same.

Christian people prayed for you and me to repent. I prayed before my son were born and I named him Joshua for a reason. God has blessed us all. He still works in the background and His words will not return empty: He does what He does.

Few people would like to help you change. Some regret your change cannot be seen soon (sometimes) but the work is His... The battle belongs to the Lord!

Let say my son does not like someone asks him to stop smoking or drinking. Someday he will realize he was wrong, same way those who stubbornly sinned. He may argue alone and talk back “he was like that”, but these people will help him to change: “Iron sharpens iron”.

Dozen of people are praying before you and I die. They´re asking you (and me) to turn from our sins, to convert to God, to live a holy living... Will you pay attention, my son?  (I love you)

Joshua told me he says the kind of man he is, before being engaged... He likes alcohol, cigarettes and still being deaf to listen my warns: Did I tell your grandpa died from cancer?

He agreed tobacco is a drug. Many could see it as a sin, but I couldn´t tell him there are more things to change to really love. What if a girl disappoints him more? What if he cheats on her?

I worship You, God! ´cause you´re the only ONE I could trust my whole life to die or live.

I left my son with the promise he would send me a text message when he buys his new-brand mobile. I will give him his new FB and mail accounts so he use them the way that could bring him life.

I wish you commit to God, my son, so He could build with you an enduring home.

A.T.                Sept 2, 2013