Carol´s gift

Recently I knew a nice woman. I´ve been reading her articles for about a year. I felt compassioned, sad, willing to help and frustrated for not knowing how to do it but by writing to her.

By time, we developed a rare relationship. She confessed a couple of things, then I knew more about her, but she was abroad, far from my hands´ reach, although she dared to give me her phone number.

When I knew she was depressed, deeply sad, I started to phone call her. I thought she was absolutely alone, almost desperate and isolated, so I became her pen friend and a phone friend: I wanted to help her.

By time, we shared links to be close on facebook. I noticed she had more friends than I allow myself, more than I actually thought she had. I saw and learnt more about her on those pictures she showed, and these gave me an idea about her being, her ways, but I stayed steadfast to what I began: I wanted to help and “helping” helped me.

My friend Fred helped me note some things I did not see, up to the moment he spoke to me. I started to believe she was falling in love, same way I noticed I was falling in love for her (this was too soon).

Afterwards, within a month,she moved back and we arranged to meet. The first time, I was curious, I wanted to know if she was that beautiful woman I saw in some of her pictures (because, at the beginning, I avoided to see all those pictures she has uploaded).

Within me, there was a huge interest to help her to overcome her emotional problems. She used to write about her sad feelings, her disappointment on the way her love relationships ended, and I felt compassionated: I believed her way to point the issues out, just from her point of view (of course, it´s almost impossible to listen to her ex-lovers´ arguments). 

Looking at posted pictures –everywhere- made me think of some things. Nude or almost naked pictures make think anyone. Sensual or subjective pics will give you an idea on who they are (how you are or behave)and these serve to understand what they want to show or grab when being seen or watched. The way anyone appears speaks to our eyes. Am I showy?  Am I lustful? Am I looking to draw friendship or sexual attention to? Pictures attract feelings, whether they´ll be positives or negatives (unbelievers –too often- post those that make them look prettier than they actually are, sexier or richer than they could possibly be).

Carol showed much more than I would allow my wife (if I had one).

At certain point of the time, I checked all of her pictures and noticed what her “friends” commented and I felt jealous (that made me know I was getting too involved in my personal relation to her).

Often I don´t care what some girls or women may post and upload, but I cared what Carol could be posting, just because she draw my attention by clicking “Like” to most of my pictures on facebook (obviously she wanted to make me know she has seen all of them) (there was no need to “tell me” she has seen them, but it was clear she wanted my attention and she got it). Questions: How often do I click on “Like” to show someone I like her/his contends, their writings or pictures? Was it true? Why did she need to let me know what she has seen?

I alone started a love relationship (with my feelings).

The first time we met, I saw she was the girl I saw. She wasn´t as beautiful and young as those pictures, but I was curious, I wanted to know if she was that beautiful woman I saw as a good friend.

That day started and lasted like a good date. We spent long hours talking and sharing. She asked me many questions and wanted to know many things about me (she found ways to reconfirm if I was lying or telling her the truth). Inwardly I asked for myself: Is she interested in me as a man or a friend? I enjoyed that long time. It was like being in front of a jury and being asked, just to guess if I was guilty or innocently wrong. She looked deep into my eyes to see them blink or fail when answering. I couldn´t find some right answers, there were some I didn´t know.She laughed at my back, but I was the evidence in court! (There was too much attention paid).

From that day on, I would say we started dating (but it wasn´t) (she´s married and hasn´t buried some relationships that someone else finished).

We touched.

We hugged.

We kissed, our lips.

But we do not belong to one another, especially if God is not the central being within our lives.

She´s the best woman I ever met, but we walked different ways and my present life doesn´t  show what she -or someone else- could be interested to live (besides this, she has a daughter, and I paid too little attention to my own children).

The lesson I learnt is that appearances can lie, feelings could lie and human longings, sexual needs can mislead us all. I enjoyed these days plentifully, like never before, and I wanted to love like never I thought I could (she gave me an additional force I never knew: It was pure love).

Recently, someone on holypal.com wrote about a different way to understand “Love” (he is right) (I will re-published his writing, but I need his permission): 

“For God so loved the world that He GAVE His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life..." (John 3:16).

Love is the most expensive thing.  If you love someone -or something- you will likely give them all you can and have.  Even if you love something less you will still give a little in charity.  You will also invest or give much time to the person or hobby that you love.  It is so important to you that much would be sacrificed for the person or thing.  If you are a parent with a new baby you would give your life for the child if you had to.  God gave his very son because he loved the world.  GIVE is another way to spell LOVE.”

Such a love is giving, giving oneself up to everything and all, same way Jesus did for those who believed and obey God´s word.

Such abandonment is giving everything we own: Any physical and material possession. It is the handing over of the self with any wealth we could think of as owned.

Love, real love is giving up all for the person or being we stop fighting or doubting. 

The lesson Carol left is that I was close to stop doubting or fighting against finding truth; but she failed when having someone else in view. She said “it was love” and “I don´t want to hurt you”, but when I love I have no one else.

Carol moved me inwardly, deeply, and I thank God that I´m getting better, that I still love her, but it won´t be the same. 

First love, always, must be addressed to God.

Secondly it must be addressed to us, ourselves, then it would be shared (securing -always- God´s affairs first).

Love, as a giving up, has too many things involved, but it´s worth living and sharing.

God is the best way to live and learn how to do it well.

There´s a love lesson that Carol reminded me, because God gave us that first: “We love because he first loved us”… Where is it in the Bible?

Each time someone comes this way, letting you know how important you are: Telling you how meaningful your attention is, think of God´s love first.

If this love comes from above, if it is God´s, it will lead you to a holy commitment, it´ll be mingled with human feelings, but truly committed to you in a friendly marriage and deep bonds both can cope and share.

If she or he still have remnants of old relationships not buried, keep a safe place for you.

If her /his views of God are not similar, please, stay away! (Someone will be hurt).

Once we start sharing, talking and giving, we ran the click of loving.

If we constantly meet or write to someone showing attentions, we are open to let them know we´re sharing what we got to give and these things sometimes are sought for someone who dares to share: Both receiving and giving are a love deal, at a certain degree.

Constant giving (or sharing) may give us a hint on a good sign, especially if real trust is developed: Am I a constant friend, a loyal mate, or someone looking after what I want (using or abusing you)?

God gave us a hint: “We love because he first loved us” 

(Deeds are bigger than words) (A simple step leads us ahead).

And I´m thankful for what I received.

Don´t give up loving!(Stand up, walk up and go)

Perfect love does not have troubles with sexual gender nor reasons, but its giving and handing over.

This gift, she gave me, it´s all brand new.

A.T. Oct. 12,  2012