You are in love

You are in love

Do you mind somebody call at 11 pm or at 3 am?

When you love that person you will not regret that one who called you late, any night. Verbally we say: “Call any time” but, in fact, we do not expect our friends call us late, as it were an urgent emergency. If we love them, we would understand they needed to call when dying from a heart attack or being robed...

When you are emotionally involved with any, you really don´t mind id she call you any time, day or night. Sometimes, it is you who insist on calling or sending text messages. When you love, you call and want to talk FREQUENTLY. There is a need in sharing when you love! (I know it and understand it) It´s beautiful to love and feel that need of hearing or sharing!

I know the needs and I understand compulsions. Lovers share! If any feel the other is not sharing or giving, he/she will regret and TELL. I also have seen how animals share their feelings: Smelling, touching, licking and try to be side by side. We are not too different from them!

I like to see, to touch and smelled those I liked. I remember my needs to phone call, to send SMS and the compulsion of being in contact (I rather like physical than virtual, by the way).

I´m not physically dead. I´m fighting to stop my human longs, my physical desires and the drive of talking or sharing I changed for writing. I could be talking to any in the street, but they are not like me and, more than that, there are not Christians, so we have no common background and, if it is a woman, I could guess what she wants and what she needs, since in the streets it is easy to see what people like or want.

Trust is not easily won. Let´s say it takes years or months to be reached and, by experience, I know I don´t have or need what others need or like, so I had enough. I don´t want to spend the rest of my days on guessing what others want: I´m just referring to women!

Yesterday I fixed a PC and the woman asked me how much she owes me... Her husband was on my side (he knew how much it took to be fixed) but his woman wanted to share her problems, her emotions and HOW MUCH she has spent money lately...

That is OUT OF MY BUSINES! Her husband wanted to stop her “crying”, because he was to be upset, but I begged him not to stop her “sharing” of sorrows, because I was trained in Colombia and  that is the reason many women do not experience heart attacks (but we, men).

They are Christians, friends, but I spent the whole week working there, but she thought I would charge few cents. What a mistake! My toil works as any (and that was cleared).

I asked my friend to hear Dr Pilar Sordo. She has told me many things on women´s behavior, although she was not asking be a discount (I would not give, by the way). Colombian way is like that, but this wanted to share emotions and be heard... Just one more thing, men, buy and own your things. Do not marry if you do not have money to keep that business! (I don´t have to keep it, too).

Sometimes love is selfish.

My ex-wife was like this lady but, at the end changed. I don´t do business with my ex-wife: She always wants to win and, with the alibi of the children we shared, she wants to be heard! (to retain money). Je! Je! Je!

Sometimes we -men- are not wise enough. Money is nothing, but it serves to buy anything (even from life and those things we cling to). They (women) love a provider men. I dare to say they love a man who gives money, instead of one who gives love or pleasure (Excuse me if this looks offensive, but it´s my experience and opinion: You can say what you say!).

I know -when I loved- I wanted to be in the company of that person I liked or cherished. My money and mobile phone was to hear her, to send and receive messages to her or those I liked. What do you do? Don´t you miss those you like or want only for you?

I am not like women: They have too many people in their mind. The love and cling to many. I just need or need one... Perhaps I am narrow minded! The more you get, the less you have to share...

Just think about this.

A.T.

Amos 3:3, 7

We are like animals who need associations to be reproductive, to progress, to protect, to learn, to eat. See nature, all around, and each family is an example of this: A convenient association. Churches, similarly, are human associations, bonds created on some truths we cling to: Love, similar religious background not based on nationalities, verifiable beliefs and same spiritual source with the morale of its parenthood.

Read about history and you know how many traditions and creeds were raised. Read stories and see how each is willing to invent his/her own. Is there one Church? No! Each belongs to its beliefs, common interests and united to its temporal leadership. Are we united to one truth? We tried to do so, some say we are one, and the truth is we are divided, because the God I believed may be one divided in 3 persons or One who really has one Godhead separated from Mary, the Mother of Jesus. (The important thing is how I am acting and, more than any of my opinions, it is what God thinks about me).

In Venezuela, too often, I have heard: “Si Dios quiere y la virgen” (If God wills, and the virgin wills). Did God married Marry to be His Queen? Are they both sharing a Kingdom that way?

Yesterday a dear friend told me I am radical. Few hours before another told me the same, because sometimes I expect too much (giving little, by the way) but I have same problems like any and I´m not pretty different than any reader. I wish you could read about Samuel, the prophet. He cut in pieces a man (Agag), stopped talking to a man he knew and, at prudent distance, he prayed and shed tears for that man he liked (1 Sam. 15:32-35). Samuel was known by God since the beginning and learned from Him in his childhood, while serving the temple. He heard God´s voice, more than once and he acknowledged God by personal experience, not by sight or simple readings, like us who boast ourselves on being called Christians and we are far from being like Christ or any godly man on earth. Samuel gave Jews and Christian an example on what he considered obedience (1 Sam. 15:22) but Jesus nullified Himself much more than any other man on this planet, He superseded all since God was with Him and dwelt in His human body.

Some time ago God and Jesus arranged to create what we see (Gen. 1:26-27) and somehow planned our redemption, but this is a process unfolded each century. I don´t know about you, but I had problems to believe the Bible and still have problems to apprehend it; but it serves me to understand spiritual things I cannot grasp or see with my human mind. Is this the only source God has used? I think it is not, He has spoken in several ways and I know believes and religions can be used to rule or control people and, perhaps, this is why there are many denominations and creeds (It is to God to speak and clarify each men´s or women´s beliefs).

No one would walk all the way long without talking or knowing their companion. If spiritually I was made to live eternally, I had better to see what the one who made me has to say. He would consider my misbehaving as my behaving as well. He would consider some actions fit and those that do not.

In a business I should know what I am to buy or sell. It doesn´t matter who buys or sells, but the stuff we are paying for. I can sell anything, but those who want to buy it don´t like to lose anything, it be called time or money. Will you like to waste any part of your time? If you dislike waiting or wasting anything, how much more eternity worths?

In a friendly relationship I always have the chance to leave. In a business, if I write a contract I do not always have such freedom to split easily, because I am obliged, same way when I formalized a protocol or any contract like a marriage. If I was born here, in Venezuela, I need a passport and a visa to leave it somewhere else and life is such a business, I am obliged to achieve certain conditions to be relocated, promoted or be paid when doing a job (it is like at the school or being hired for a job).

Life is a business and see it lasts more than primary school. In fact it is a school and a business some are promoted, hired or fired. Would you like to be eternally fired, by the way?  (I don´t!)

God often speaks. He is not mute, He is not a human being to lie (like me) and His job is eternal (He is busy all the time, but He sees what I cannot see). He gave us a gift we cannot deal without Him: Eternity. If we were not watched, if we weren´t warned, imagine this world and its mess: We were at war each week!

Imagine how boring life would be at “eternal” wars. “I hate you and you hate me”. And no one else knows why, but rage and fights... Imagine how I could kill and eternal enemy. Who can kill Satan and demons?

I don´t want to be eternal. I just wanted to live my life and stop it when I wanted to stop, but it doesn´t function like that. It works the way God made it to function. I like bees and I feel compassion when I see them close to death and more than once I have rushed the process because I don´t like life ceasing, and here you see this contradictory answer or behavior: We all like living and, the opposite, is like dying.  Does the giver of life like the dying? Does He like life ceasing? Do you give a present to be eternally lost or consumed? I don´t think this way.

I have seen animals watching death. I have seen how they fight to protect those they like or loved and I can say they are better than me. Won´t you do the same? (But God does it).

Amos 3:3 is a simple reason. God wants us to walk fine and shed light on the best way. He is not mute, He is not deaf, and certainly He will not do a thing without telling those He loves, those who care about His life business (Amos 3:7).

Read the Bible and tell when He did a thing without giving a warning. He announced Jesus, He foretold these times, and will sent Jesus back to punish those He knows deserve eternal punishment (I could be one of them).

Churches are saying “if you are not like us you won´t be saved”. But God has said: “If you are not like My Son you are not my children”. Is it quite different? Of course it is!

God wants me to walk with Him. Jesus is the way, but I don´t know how to fight against my humanity, my longs and thirsting desires.

Will you mind paying attention to Jesus?

Will you mind listening to God, instead of men traditions?

I will not go to heaven. I don´t like flying the way our planes fly, so I don´t want human wings. Have you seen Jesus “flying” the moment He was taken to heavens? (Mark 16:19; Luke 24:51; Acts  1:9, 11).

Those leaders who believe they will fly, with their “holy” wings, mislead those who believe in them. Jesus, who knew God more than any, who has more faith than no one else, was taken up to the place God prepared for Him, Who am I to say another thing?

It is not what I believe but what God believes about me. It is not what I want, but what God wants to do (Matt. 6:10). See God gave Saul a chance and, some time ago, He regretted having chosen one who disobeyed Him (1 Sam.15:11, 28) and see how God picked David up from nothing and, several times, later on he did wrong and finally God had Jesus to rule over human kind.

If I don´t read on God´s issues I will not guess what He wants. If I don´t built a healthy relationship with Him (and those He has asked to follow His Son) chances are that I get lost in loneliness.

I hope He help me walk with those who belong to the right way. I know I came from darkness, but this (eternal loneliness) is darker than being alone or with the people we are not our own.

Sometimes we find people we have liked to talk to, but it is better to get those we would have liked to live, long time ago. We need to talk, to see how we are, but God is not mute to tell us what we have to do: He never asks you to do a thing the other person would dislike. If He wants you to draw near, He will ask the same to others, to be approached: His bond is love, and it is a liking thing (not a disgusting thing).

Do not let any, with strong voices or nominal leaderships, lie to you. We do not need more leaders, but living believers to walk with; so I rather follow Jesus. He is the only source I see to be saved from myself.

Chatting with old friends

Yesterday I went to Jorge´s and we spent hours chatting on skype with his brother César, who is living in NY. There were many issues talked, but I looked at Jorge and asked him: “We don´t we ask him about God? Let´s see how he is on Jesus´ things”.

I cannot tell how long we talked on things related to the right homosexuals claim they have to be married. I saw César in favor of those rights, so I joked him if he planned to be NY mayor, willing to be voted from those who want to marry same sex.

Jorge´s concern was connected to the family. He is right in all what he said and most of his opinion is based on what Catholicism says, since he is a Charismatic Catholic (one who fights against Satan) and I am not with them when they speak on their sacraments, their “blood of Christ” weekly shed in their Eucharist (their transubstantiation theory) and all those things connected to apostolic hierarchy, as “the keys Peter received” and the Sabbath being changed for Sundays. (Just to let you know I don´t believe like you).

César has become “a lawyer”. He has learned to fight to avoid paying his bills each time he is punished when breaking the law on driving his car there and is a very enthusiastic talker. He agrees same sex marriage should be permitted based on the economic argument that homosexuals lose money when their sexual mate dies, and the State seizes them money, instead of permitting they keep their material stuff.

I had problems to wait on Jorge´s answers. He is a good talker and I imagined how Saul Paul and Barnabas may have felt some times at talking at people (no wonder they separated to minister on God´s) (Acts 16:39). Ha! Ha! (Jorge is Saul Paul).

I am nobody to rule on anybody´s life. I insisted in pointing out the hypocrisy of those in world government who want to get money when divorcing homosexuals, because we have to pay lawyers each time we see we made a wrong decision, when marrying the wrong person, or when realizing we were misguided by “love” infatuation. We divorce when being despised, hurt, cheated or at emotional and economic bankruptcy, since homosexuals (gays and lesbians) also experience deception and those problems I mentioned above.

I asked César I wanted to be heard when Jorge finished. Cesar wanted to concentrate the topic on the law and the right lesbians and queens are “socially” denied. I couldn´t stop myself from interrupting Jorge to say THE ISSUE IS BANNING GOD, and taking Him away as the lawgiver (but it wasn´t my house).

I wish I had filmed or recorded that video chat, it was a debate.

My concern is, if we accept it morally “because there is a law that permits...” I would try anything human laws permit. I, as an individual can do anything I like privately. In the intimacy of my mind I think and do whatever I think or dream: I can try illegal drugs, social adultery (as a swindler or voyeur). I can be in an open-field zoophilia at my mansion, celebrate public feasts to alcoholism, engaged to a widespread show of TV horoscope divination or sorcery session, and enjoy sex with toys and video porno. Does these things affect the future of each FAMILY, as Jorge was concerned?

When all these things are public, socially practiced and accepted, we will “live” like Sodom and Gomorrah and -of course- each individual has become “a king” to do what he publicly wants to do or make us think. We are not lawgivers (sometimes lawbreakers) and I cannot stop any from his/her ways of thinking -only God- but laws exist to stop us from doing things that may hurt or insult others who could dislike our ways: Do Christians have their rights to be Christians? Does Muslims feel the same when living abroad, in a country full of Christians? Are Satanists stopped from doing their things? Who is to rule men and women businesses and affairs?

Coexistence is a need. I see God gave ALL a right to be rooted and he is the one who uproots. I see He gave free will to all -pagans or believers- and Jesus acknowledge such “right” to be temporally rooted (). But the Bible is not the rule or the standard of the moral, but human constitutions (that can be “mended” to avoid saying these all are changed).

We, as law breakers, want God removed from His Title, Ownership, Name, History and Glory. César wanted to stop the chat on that side, just to concentrate on the issue of “human rights”... Yes! Ask LBG* to vote for you to be their mayor in N.Y. or in the world. I want no one to believe in me, but in God.

Satan wants us to say yes to bring punishment on those who say yes. He wants society to accept free homosexuality to spread it broader with AIDS and more problems, because divorce bring us personal problems and children are affected, same way society. If I willingly say “Yes” to their wedding I say “Yes” to the coming problems Christians and Muslims see coming.

Just imagine, as I said to César: “What if you wife asks a law that grant her the right to lay in bed with the man she chooses, one or two days in a week? What if many persons ask a law that permit them to lay in bed (to have sex) with the person they choose, one or several days in a week, without breaking THE CONTRACT OF MARRIAGE?” Will you stay with that woman you loved? Does such woman love his man (or woman)? Does a man who has several women love his formal spouse?”

He stopped me from may argument. He said I was not focused on “their right to be married” and I say their economic argument is rubish, because that can be sorted out with legal contracts or wills which leaves their money or belonging to their loved ones (They have their right to choose, to have the sex they like, to leave money and their stuff to whoever they wish, but not to curse or blame me, my family or the country I have live in).

César felt tired. He had a headache and I know why...

I left them alone and went to work some time.

Jorge saw his prayers are being answered regarding his family and loved ones (he wants his wife, so I beg any reader to pray for him and his wife to come back home).

I guess some readers may have read what happened to Israel when Achaan hid and stole things in his tent (Josh. 7:20-21). All the nation was beaten (Joshua 7:4) just for one man´s “mistake” (avoiding to call it a sin) and the thing was casted out on Israel´s nation, as the fault and the blame of al who die (Josh. 7:11-12). Maccabees give us something that seemed to be the same, and Jorge told me “some Christians disbelieve it as inspired”... (I just see Jewish people have it, as well).

Human lawbreakers like to put God´s history as moral stories not to be told... We long to be “God” (or our gods) but that cannot be (Acts 12:22-23).

STDs are broadly spread and we don´t see them as punishment or a way to stop us from lust. AIDS is said to come from Africa or from a monkey and science “says” it is not anything to enforce divine laws: Jews say there are 600 commandments and Christians say there are only 10... I am my LAW, each man may say. What about the social consequence and public health? I don´t want to live in Sodom and many women I know dislike lesbians.

Allow them to vote for it and find your place to relocate. Where is Christian land? Which country can I get a free visa to be running?

Next time thousands will be voting for free sex that do not invalidate marriage and its monetary contract. Love is not made of money, but of affection and trust.

Ask me to legalize more drugs same way tobacco is legal everywhere, because it makes profit and doctors are well paid... Why prostitution is not whole world legal? What if I sell my body to get money and some pleasure? I will not be sure who my father is or was and abortionist would be richer than they are -killing people´s “mistakes”- because babies are not my sins.

We both agree women had not real rights when being married to a man who had several women, like Jacob, David or Salomon... But we can read why they got more than ONE man can love or entertain in his bed. It is not good to fight for sex or somebody´s attention. I felt that rage and once I thought to kill my ex-wife and His lover, because I thought she was mine. What a foolish thing! (Just read this: Ezekiel 23:3-4; 5; 8-13; 18, 20).

I don´t know about you. Cheating is disgusting. It hurts more than any other pain and since my youth I wanted vasectomy to avoid children, when leaving or being left.

Hurt people often divorce (but God is loyal). I´m not like God and there was a time I felt jealous when my ex-wife loved Him more than me. God does not cheat! (And I didn´t know).

Jorge said “it would be coming one man who agrees same sex marriage... He is going to make one church with all its creeds.”  Where are we going to run or hide?

I told César “I find exciting watching two lesbian girls kissing or doing what they do, but I find repugnant and nasty witnessing two men doing the same”. I like women but don´t like men, and probably there is a dozen who are like me but, besides my human drive: Am I pro-lesbian, making vulnerable gays rights?

They can “marry” the ones they like and consent: They don´t have children, and probably would ask same rights to science...

There is partiality in saying “Yes” to one part and “No” to others. I am not a lawyer, I am not ill biased, but I am not the law giver. It is like desiring the woman of one man (as any adulterer) and hating the spouse of other (as any criminal minded). Who am I to be jealous of those who have liked?

Lust is selfish and it tends to be self-centered, same way opinions taking away God as the lawgiver.

By the moment I came back, I sat at Jorge´s left and heard César´s opinions and I´m glad he experience God, some time ago. He had leukemia and Jesus appeared and spoke when healing and warned him he would be lied by Satan, who would disguised the miracle Jesus was doing in his body but, the very moment César felt he was healed, he started to shared the power he felt within him with those who were sick in the hospital he was in. He entered rooms and touched those he met (or felt guided to pray) and touched those who badly needed a healing...

I stared at Jorge´s eyes and both agreed he has received the healing power of Jesus to HEAL PEOPLE (We prayed he realized the next step to keep on).

I asked Jorge to ask him: “What church are you attending”. My idea was to grasp if he was influenced by any group or Christian tendency, and I shared with Jorge the surprised his “religiosity” came when Jesus touched and healed him from leukemia; because he wasn´t attending any church, and Jorge saw his prayers being answered. “Perhaps he asked God for healing, and Jesus came to show His mercy, while he was in bed” Said Jorge.

César told us “many were afraid of his touching”. Some regretted his going to rooms, to unknown people, and finally doctors asked him to stop doing so and we laughed at him saying “you probably spoiled their business...” and I still regret not having recorded those things he said to us, here in Venezuela.

César told us he was forgetting those words Jesus told him (we served as reminders). So I´m happy we spent hours chatting on skype and now I smiled remembering I asked Jorge “to preach on him”. My approach was the same I used when he was a child (I´m not religious) and I think I´ll be secular for some time: Just to help people understand I need the same salvation they need, because I don´t have it, yet.

I don´t know if this or anything I write may serve any (believer or not) but I would like God speak to me. I don´t see well many things. I have made wrong decisions and I am paying for some faults, but I need God directs my life. I wish I could personally hear Him (I´m not praying too much: I think He is not deaf or mute) but He knows what I want and what I wanted.

I don´t like to come to Caracas to typewrite. I don´t have electricity at home, and I don´t want to  interrupt at my mother´s and I surely dislike being interrupted. I just need Him to talk, to let me know what He wants me to do. If I beg -one more time- I seriously beg for this prayer, you could make for me, because I don´t mind begging for God.

Thanks in advance!

Eyaculación Precoz

Estos días recordé algo que había pasado hace más de veinte (20) años. Recordando un par de cosas, releí una porción de La Enciclopedia del Matrimonio Cristiano (en inglés, 1984) y, cierto autor (Karl Wrage, Pág 208) decía que, “...la eyaculación precoz es parte de un rechazo inconsciente...”, un rechazo no verbalizado, como un pecado no confeso...

Recordé cierta experiencia personal con una flaca que me gustaba, pero me dijo que se acostaba con el hermano de un amigo, y de la misma urbanización en que ambos vivíamos... Asentar esos detalles no viene al caso, y sólo basta decir que me ocupaba de lo mío y prácticamente nada del placer de ella y, pese a que me gustaba mucho, yo andaba involucrado con MP y, en su ausencia los miércoles, llamaba a ésta que no debía tener conmigo.

Intuyo que ya hay demasiado rechazo: Social, sexual, económico, político, de género, cultural, etc. Enumerar las cosas que me causarían algún tipo de repulsión o rechazo, tal vez, sea algo insignificante en cuanto a la opinión de cualquier otra persona. Para algunos puede ser la flatulencia, para otra una ligera alitosis; para miles, la afinidad se dificultaría por cosas relacionadas con la higiene personal, la asepsia moral o la promiscuidad confesa...

Por algunos años he sabido y confesado que no me involucro con personas pasadas de cierto peso o estatura. No es, en sí, discriminación, sino una de mis preferencias y, desde hace mucho, de forma muy consciente, las he evitado para que ellas no adviertan mi verdadero rechazo y, en la cama, buscaría cualquier excusa para no decir la verdad que yo sé (que no me gusta). Sin embargo, como pasa a muchos, la eyaculación precoz se debe a una mal hábito sexual, la mala conducta aprendida en lo que solía llamarse “el vicio solitario” y, en caso de que uno halle pareja, se recomienda asistir a varias sesiones de terapia y, la compañera -si de veras ama- habrá de soportar el re-entrenamiento del gatillo alegre de la cama...

Esa enciclopedia tiene bastante que he de re-leer.  Hice mi manuscrito y, de momento, sé que no tengo el tiempo para publicar mis comentarios biográficos, pero me reconforta que, de alguna manera, alguna persona se dedique a darle placer a su esposa o compañera. Es triste que, por años, muchas mujeres se sientan insatisfechas y, más triste aún, que sus esposos tengan que pasar la pena, el dolor emocional o la vergüenza, de que sus compañeras estén viéndose con otros (y/o con otras) para saciar una parte de ese apetito humano que no se colme en la cama.

Es una pena que, la moralidad ambigua de la sociedad en la que nacimos, nos haya hecho creer que la virginidad no tiene importancia, como hoy le dije a un par de jovencitas solteras. Crecimos engañados con que esa experiencia “era buena y necesaria” y, la verdad, que llegamos al lecho matrimonial con esa mancilla que estigmatiza el plan original de Dios, tal como puede inferirse en aquella carta paulina en la que él habla de la pureza conyugal y, en el eufemismo del traductor mojigato, se omitió el griego “coito”, por la palabra “lecho”.

¡Sí! La virginidad es para hombre y mujer y, si se piensa un poquito, ya sabemos, a cierta edad, que cada género toma sus mañas cuando se emancipa o va emancipando en la adolescencia. Si hubiéramos sido bendecidos con la pareja idónea, desde el principio, no habríamos pasado el derrotero del divorcio... ¡Pero vamos!

25 de junio.

“Si DAR es la característica principal de quien ama... ¿RECIBIR es ser amado?”

Hoy, muy temprano, desperté viendo un video para jóvenes. Fue algo que me gustó de principio a fin y, para mi sorpresa, me hallé hasta diciendo un par de palabras -a viva voz- que no suelo decir tan de mañana, pues, evito impedir el descanso ajeno.

Decía, para mí mismo, que debía congratular a esa gente, que ya era hora que se hablara claro, y que en nada habían sido mojigatos para hablar con los chicos.

Técnicamente el documental era sencillo, sin truculencias y, valiéndose del género de varios presentadores, lograron mostrar la verdad de muchas cosas, y sólo uno del consistente equipo me pareció amanerado, al cual le hicieron una toma -desde un closet- como si la brisa soplase en parte de su entorno, mientras un velo traslúcido naranja ondeaba sobre su rostro, haciendo un desvanecimiento fade off.

Insistí en comunicarme con la gente de producción. Me moví de tal manera que pude llegar hasta ellos: Era la primera vez que se hacía tal cosa en Venezuela, sin la hipócrita paja política, la idolatría del chavismo, y sin la criticable demagogia multipartidista.

En sus oficinas, me aseguré hablar con quienes debía. Vi cosas allí cuyo contenido no debía ser transmitido pero, todavía así, la verdad es la verdad, y quise felicitarlos por ser valientes, realistas y sinceros. Luego que hablé con alguien, jamás pensé echarme para atrás.

En ese despacho, otra mujer salió de otra oficina y llevándo una hoja en sus manos, trataba de asegurarse de que no escribiera nada que les perjudicara pues, con lo que yo había hablado, ella misma confesaba su aprensión:

-No coloque nada de lo que oyó en ese exabrupto emocional que no filtramos, y quedó en el aire. No queremos problemas con la PTJ. (Pidió encarecidamente, como si temiese la censura)

Me pareció raro lo que dijo. Entendí lo que pedía, pero lo hallé incoherente, sin consistencia y, a fin de cuentas, Conatel es la agencia competente para el veto.

Me dio un par de instrucciones. Se acercó hasta mí, y pude comprender que era un transmisión en vivo. No un documental, como creía.

Yo no fui allá para perjudicar y, comprendiendo lo punible, quise animarlos y, mientras algo les decía, me recosté y comencé a decirle lo que escribiría, a fin de mitigar algo de su consciente y razonable inquietud.

Me sentí adormilado y en mis comentarios, seguí interactuando verbalmente con la chica que me observaba, sentada, desde mi izquierda.

Perdí noción del tiempo mientras hablaba de esa instrospección. Noté mi respiración pausada, mientras el flujo de aire en las fosas nasales era distinto, con una mezcla de suspiro o jadeo.

Seguí enumerando lo que en mi memoria veía y -alguna que otra vez- la miraba a los ojos cuando ya yo no podía mantener abiertos los míos.

Me sentí de tal forma que hablé tendido, pues no quería se quedara con aquella aprensión.

Hablándole, me sentí vencido por esa rara sensación de modorra. Y no logro comprender cómo es que a esa chica la relacioné tanto con Atamaica, aquella joven querida de Catia...

Adormilado ya, me hallé insuflando más aire a mis palabras.

No quería abrir ya los ojos y, la verdad, me sentía escuchado; pese a la leve sensación que tenía al mover los labios.

Cada palabra me llevaba un suspiro pronunciarla. Y, siendo inusual la sensación, hube de palpar con la lengua esos labios que sentí sobre mi boca, porque ya no era algo mío.

En efecto, sin querer abrir los ojos, comprendí que era besado, de forma indecible y sublime.

Sus labios se posaron en los míos y mi aliento era insuflado en el de ella.

No sé con qué habilidad -o momento- se posó sobre lo mío; pero era algo de lo cual no quería despertar, aunque me tomase tiempo y aire.

Insistí tocar su lengua pues, sus labios se movían con los míos.

Tanteando con su beso, recorrí lo que era mío, y mis palabras eran las suyas.

Tardé algo para incorporarme. No me quería levantar. Y nada mejor que esto, tan sublime.

Quedé desvanecido. Con dificultad abrí los ojos y no sentí la penumbra.

Volví a respirar, sublime o angelical, y ya no estaba junto a mí.

Quise recapitular, para volver a comenzar, y la noción toda del video desapareció: Sólo quise hablar de ella... ¿Dónde está?

Dudé -algunos instantes- si estaba más vivo que ahora muerto.

Si pudiese escoger, preferiría vivir despierto a su lado, que en el espacio vacío de esta penumbra.

Me incliné y extendiéndome, todo hacia la izquierda, toqué la banca y hallé la linterna: Eran las 4:40 am

Volví a respirar.

No sabía si respiraba, aunque desvivo. Era como si mis palabras entraran directas a ella, a su mente, desde algún espacio de mí y mi corazón.

Jamás viví lo que allí viví.

Con cierta vaguedad, usualmente sueño; pero esto no fue soñar, sino vivir.

Hace tanto no beso así... ¡Vaya irrealidad!

P.S.

Ángel mujer:

Aquí te dejo mis palabras, quien quiera seas o hayas sido.

A. J. T. H.

Dad´s addition.

This morning I had a light clear idea on what to write; but the breakfast and my mother got too much from my attention, and that drifted me from what I thought I would type (this happens).

I wanted to write something from my Dad. I remember having planned to write things like that I miss him, that we became good friends during the adulthood and that wasn´t like that; no matter I had tried to be his friend since a child.

I would like to discourage smokers. My step grandfather, my grandmother, my father were cigarette smokers.  This is an addiction and many do not like to see it as it is, same way we should look at sin (there are lots of addictive ones).

The fact many smoked at home made me to be asthmatic. I suffered from that sickness too long and I was finally healed by God, during my adolescence, with the toils of my grandmother.

My step grandfather lost part of his leg with gangrene. Part of his problem was diabetes and tobacco and, when the doctor “ordered” him not to smoke cigarettes, he changed them for Cuban tobacco (he usually said the paper was killing him, instead of the leaves of tobacco). Ja! Ja!

My grandmother died from several diseases. I guess the diabetes and the heart problems were primary involved in her passing away and, of course, the tobacco “helped” her to die. She was around her 70 when she left, and I had her hands held in my hands the last time I saw her, certain sad December morning.

I remember having criticized my father for his vice. When I was a child I tore one box of his cigarettes and when he noticed, I lied and probably blamed my younger brother, so he took both of us in his bet, in front of an altar, and he prayed those idols that he wanted to see the nails growing on the guilty´s feet and, when these were cut, these quickly were appeared, so the punishment of the guilt were to live to cut off those ugly nails, looking like claws.

I didn´t want to pay that price. I confessed my “sin” (the lie) to avoid that punishment, but I actually paid the consequence of many years bearing an asthmatic condition, and it was the ugly claw I couldn´t cut.

I dislike smoking. I never did it and, to my regret, my two sons got that addition. If it were a chromosome condition, it came by my dad or grandmother and, if it were a sin, I sinned by hating it from my childhood.

Many people like to smoke to be social, to be in touch and to show they are grown up (that´s not of my business) but they spoil others live and probably will make the children heirs of that vice, some call a sin (I don´t see it a sin, but a guilt).

My dad often said: “God! Why do you punish me this way?”. He blamed God for his cancer. He blamed God for not walking, after a medical operation. He blamed Him for having problems to get erections and he wanted to get a prosthesis to get his genitals working again...

Did God asked him to smoke?

Did God asked any to consume drugs?

I tried to explain him a couple of things and, before he die, I left him completely alone and my brother took him to a hospital (something happened I won´t tell, and I saw in my dreams he had a spiritual problem I could not help).

I hope he had repented. I wish he had talked to God and have found peace with Him.

My brother told me how he saw him at the hospital, few days after I stopped visiting and caring my dad at his home.

Alain came in and found out him dead in that room. He wanted to clean him and give the medical treatment he was receiving, but our dad was dead, with his eyes opened.

I don´t know what he has seen those days. I left and stopped talking to him. He often had said I looked like Jesus, each time I got or used my black beard... Did he ever meet Jesus?

It is easy to blame others. I could blame my family for those days I spent sick in bed, but they paid my price to be alive.

I know how much my grandmother worked to get me alive and kicking. It fact, she is the one who deserves me to call her MOTHER; because her loving affection and attentions got me as her last child (my dad brought me and Alain to my father´s siblings).

As far as I remember, my father could not acknowledge his fault: an addition to smoking. Many are like him, and I´m not blaming him, since I myself have blamed God for my shortcomings. Isn´t God a loving God? Just imagine how we react when someone blames or points out our faults. We hit and violently punish, but the final punishments -the consequences of sinning- are ours and other´s, too.

I don´t need to eat too much. That´s an addiction.

I don´t need to lie; but when being wronged, cheated or hurt from lies, I blame others, without looking at my faults.

I should not blame God and no one else, but me.

I should be responsible and assume responsibility for my life.

Am I sick? There´s no one to blame.

Do I have vices? It´s me who I am hurting (perhaps others).

I think we needed to live to really learn -and get- this wisdom books cannot easily teach.

It is a blessing and sometimes we bypassed each second chance we have got in this present life to learn ant to teach.

In faith, I believe in many things and, hoping God has more interesting things to live up, I abandoned myself in His hands (not mine, which are not safe).

Some nations are trying to legalize drug use. Some are willing to vote for that, and the reason is similar to allowing free sex or same sex marriage.

Let´s say alcohol is not a problem in society. Let´s say tobacco and its cigarettes are nothings but a culture issue. Let´s say smoke is not a world health problem and that we need more freedom and government are intended for that. Have any of you considered the real price of this and the price we are to pay?

The utter scope is ignoring God and His justice. Sodom and Gomorrah is nothing compared to the world we´re going to live and fall into. Living live without order and justice is like living without anything, same way drug consumers “live” each day. Smoking cigarettes is just like the equivalent of smoking any herb I can get in the streets.

Giving my children permission to do what they are pleased to do is like allowing them to rule over me. My sons are smoking and having sexual intercourse whenever they can. My ex-wife let both bring “home” their girlfriends to do what they do. What if they get any STD? What if the girls get pregnant? I´m talking about teenager...

I built my house and moved before being completely divorced. I had no means to say what was right when having others saying an opposite thing. I understand I have some legal rights, but to deserve them, I have to achieve some goals I´m not reaching. I could say a thing morally, but the example of other denies my truth, while other´s will prevail.

The world dwells within you and your holy wall. Culture and human laws creed your doors and open what you have tried to keep or save. Television and more video media tell your love ones how they should live and, basically, these are led by money, by evil desires and satanic interests.

Do we need smoking? Do we need drugs when we are healthy?

We are paying the price each time we shut an eye. Countries have hundreds of sick people and sickness or “pleasures” produce money for those who hold evil business and its vice.

Just thing a world where any comes and does what he/she wants. It´s like living the paradise of vice many singers boast on to sing. Why do they commit suicide? If they live the way they want, why are these dying overdosed?

If any vice can bring me the joy I miss and get human emptiness filled, why do they need to smoke or use drugs?

Social pressure pushed my childish mind to commit certain sins. That sin probably spoil the joy I could be enjoying now, but I won´t cry over the spilled milk. I just need God´s hands to help me walk my final walk, and this is far from people´s smoke and unhealthy habits.

I know I have to die. I better go, but I don´t understand the whole life I am in and, those I miss are gone and who knows I will meet them, twice?

I had a friend who allowed her children smoked marijuana under “her” supervision. She and her husband bought the drug in Colombia and let their children “taste” it, just to know it wasn´t good for them (it is like sinning “once”, to keep on sinning up to get some satisfaction). I never asked her if her husband was a drug smoker... I´m thinking -now- that something was wrong after she got divorced, because she got an operation in her head this year (2013) and her doctors found a tumor...

I will be sick (or dead) any day, and sometimes these experiences come for sins. My dad died before his time and my grandmother suffered a lot; while I myself experienced dozens of asthmatic crisis before adolescence.