Last night I spoke with Josh. It´s been years since we haven´t had
time for free sharing. He told me things I didn´t know. He has grown up enough
to take care of his life and now he seems willing to teach me, each time he
sees he can.
I gave him some tips. I don´t want him to be a dad before getting a
profession, and he agreed. He introduced me to one of his girlfriends (I don´t know how many he
has got) but this is simply nice looking and I knew
nothing about her, except she sleeps wholeheartedly with him. She´s not older
than 20 and, if I were her dad, I wouldn´t like to have my daughter sleeping
with anyone who haven´t married her.
I told him to take care of her loving. He said she cares herself
to avoid pregnancy but I said he is responsible too, that I would use
shields if I were him.
I don´t want him to leave babies or women alone, but I can´t do
anything. Today young people split and start new love affairs that easy, that I
don´t want to think who could be the real father in a messy life anyone could
be living.
We spoke on some hopes and dreams a girl (or women) could have.
Chances are that many will be passed by at pregnancy, since this affects both
woman and man. We seldom know the biological father in a messy life, except
when asking DNA tests. Sadly I know there were fathers who were not the real
ones and the joy they once felt, faded when knowing the truth of a cheating
spouse.
Josh has lived more than I. When I was his age I lacked his
experience. I lacked God too, because it was a wild living I got. I pray his
life be changed for God´s, for his life´s benefit and I´d love to see him
changed. Elisha needs the same turnout, their mother needs to come back to
God´s ways to heal their home.
Alcohol or tobacco were not my vice. I knew no drug, except that of
“free” sex, lying for pleasure with this cheating tongue. Two or three
times I felt drunk, but these guys of mine are living too fast, a way I don´t
understand. That´s their life!... They need to live it up to see God´s
light.
My dad was not Christian. He left my life alone in my grandmother´s
hugs, so I knew from my faults and mistakes. I seldom shared deep feelings or
ideas with him at childhood. We had no time to share, and I disliked the time
he spent reading his newspapers. I wish he had given me that time, but it was “his”
time (not mine).
I wish I could coach my children somehow: My daughter pays so little
attention, she wants money instead; And Elisha has his own ideas... I don´t
care they don´t need me! I´m happy they are their own. They need to learn
alone, but I wished I could help them.
I cannot blame any other person, but me. Divorce brings
communicational ruptures I cannot mend and it´s reluctantly “Ok”.
There´s no point at crying when the milk has spilled from my hand.
If I were “home” I would not let Joshua or Elisha to sleep
with their girlfriends. I guess they have had several mates in a simple year.
Joshua told me he thought to pay a whore while he was alone, during 9 months...
I told him I never paid for that kind of sex. I could have paid something to
have a company who was not companionship, but it wasn´t love either. I
recommended him not to do so: My concern is spiritual. Morally, a sin is sin.
I thought he could see life briefly from my standpoint. I told him I
bypassed many girls who could have been good wives, but sex got me blind. I was
wrong (I´m wrong) but I can´t tell him what to do, except God, in his heart.
These girls he has are not seeking money, but pleasure. I told him
someone of 50 wanted to marry a girl of 16... Josh acknowledged that man was
wrong and said those girls he has found are sex machines... I agreed! I´ve seen
too many parents allow their children use “homes” as “Hotels”... My advice to
Joshua was the same for that man, and I said that was not real love;
because I have read of men who have killed those kids when they found them
cheating. Cheating could be found out on both, men or women. Christian or pagan
unbelievers have too many fantasies. Is there no way to stop sinners? There is
ONE (I´m a
sinner) but we´re unwilling to stop it.
This weekend I went out with one of my ex-gf. She invited her
daughter and a friend to have a walk in a mountain. Before we were finished,
she saw I was sending text messages to someone I was wooing and made a joke, so
I said: “I
have to take care of those I have”.
When leaving, after an hour or so, she sent me a text message
thanking me for the time we shared and telling me “...she was willing to
have another meeting, but alone, if I was pleased”.
I said “she
is married...”, and she
quickly talked back telling me “...she has some freedom in marriage. She closed that
chapter of her life with me...” but it took me two
decades to realized I was unwilling to turn those pages she said she turned;
and that last encounter served me to close the book I was writing in my mind,
so I partially said: “It
is me who had problems to understand I don´t need your friendship”. I said to myself.
A pen friend I had said it well... There are men and women who like
to have more friends than they need and “some like to have extramarital
issues”, but I don´t need friends, except only one.
Joshua told me he had a friend who told him about his love affair
with a rich woman. She paid his friend everything he needed or wanted... Fortunately
(for that
mother and woman) Josh´s friend started to woo the
daughter of her mate and, any moment, the mother knew he was a cheater... Any
day she appeared at the man´s family house and told them the kind of man he has
been during their relationship and all the things she bought for him... That
reminded me the writing of a friend who wrote “La prostitución como
alternativa” (Prostitution as alternative) I think
I should get it translated! (Haven´t I done it yet?)
Joshua knows money is an issue to be “safely” engaged. He cares as
much as he can. He is clear he needs more money to build his home (Thanks God! He is more responsible
than I was).
I left Carol and MP. I don´t want these lessons to be reminded by
more sad experiences. I just left them to avoid repeating those mistakes I
made: I knew whom I like, but I was blind to keep this life alive.
What I forgot to tell you, my son, it´s do not trust you more
than God. You may think you are right, but time will tell you are or were
wrong. Do not trust your eyes, your feelings nor people´s. Do not trust your
thoughts, your body shape and its strength today. Trust God, not you!
The very day you stop believing you to trust in God (and His
chosen one) your life will be changed and things be turned to favor you.
You will not find the best woman without His help. They could love
you as much as they can, but you need Him to love her the way she is to get the
one that could be gotten. You need faith in Him, not in you or your ways to
walk life. I can´t teach you this I´m learning. I lived your way, and I was
wrong (and was wronged). What would happened if you have gone to pay a whore?
What´s wrong when you use people you don´t love to get sex?
Don´t miss the person you may have wanted to keep your whole life.
Don´t sleep with those you would not commit yourself to be married. I wish God
gives you the ONE you have liked to love.
I tried to tell him healthy relationships need God in between. Those
who left -after a split- didn´t find what they liked or what they seek. There
is not a safe way to keep what does not belong. I see people leave God,
somewhere and somehow. How much will I leave those I don´t love for being
cheaters or false the way I was and used to be? I said I´m not better than a
dozen and not worst than hundreds.
Children will not keep you to your wife´s love. Money cannot buy
your dreams neither other´s. Many are around wooing at any who could dare to
smile. Coveting is a sin we pay too little attention sometimes.
Beauty has drawn you to girls and, same way they go to those whom
they like (for
the same pleasure or desire) there´s no a safe way to
keep those you may cling to. That depends on your will, their will and your
decisions.
I tried to tell him love is not sex. “Man cannot live on bread alone...” We need God´s direction and to be modeled by His perfect will.
He knows his giving and receiving. At his age I wasn´t like that, so
I´m glad for the things his mother might have told him. He knows the importance
of money. He is not stingy and has learned from other sources outside me.
I pointed out the broken relationship I had with his mother. He has
learned from hers more than mine. There was a time I felt jealous when someone
his mother had got his attention away from me. I don´t remember how long it was
-more than a while- and Elisha joked at him for that, several times... That
hurts! It often happens when we´re divorced, so I wish to spare him that pain.
We don´t say it aloud, but something happens when you have a brother
(or a sister) who has a different mother or father. Many have learned to love
the right way, but I belonged to the minority who experienced that kind of
rejection from my Mom while many learned it from their Dads.
What have you felt when meeting your mom embraced in other man´s
arms?
What do you feel when you see your dad kissed another woman who is
not your mom?
What have you felt when your ex-gf (or boyfriend)
kisses another?
My elder son has his own ideas. He told me he was watching “to see who was the
best girl he finds”. He disliked some have tried to
change him... I said they did it for love, for his benefit, not
selfishly to get him into a trap. I said tobacco is a drug; and those girls who
asked him to stop that habit did it well. I didn´t have chance to tell him: “the best thing in
world you could give a girl is you” because there
were interruptions... I didn´t know how to tell him he is the possessor of
everything he could give a woman who has accepted him -the way he is- to
help him change WITH LOVE and for love.
He is like me when talking. He wanted to be heard, and I gave him
that attention he asked. He was limited in time, he planned to leave early next
morning, so I was given a borrowed time he could have spent with his
girlfriend, laid in a bed... What were those things hindering me to keep my
child? Think about you! Is your ex-spouse jealous for the relationship you´ve
got with your children?
Joshua asked me to open a new mail account for FB. I didn´t ask why
he wants them anew. I may infer he wants to leave his past behind, because
there are more ways to keep present updated. Let´s say he wants to settle down
and felt hindered to tell more while his time was running faster than mine.
Within a week he goes back to his military service. I said I never
went there because I haven´t found citizenship at this country I was
born. I avoided to be screwed up by their patriotic lies since I do not believe
I´m Venezuelan while I admired him for his character, responsibility; because
he comes to work, instead of enjoying his days off (I would enjoy myself to rest; but he
comes to make money, so he clearly understands the price he pays for his living).
I needed a good turnout to start leaving things and names behind.
I´m happy my son has found some human release. That´s not the
Christian way, this is not how it should be, but it is his: I was worst!
Enduring love comes from the Eternal source of love: God´s.
Perhaps Joshua is wrong on few or more things than I am, but he is right to
live his life to learn from it.
Samson chose to love people outside his people. I have found out
there are differing and different beliefs within
the same denomination, you believe one thing and I see another; so I don´t see
clearly who talks with her heart when using the tongue our social life has
styled. I´m so far from God´s standards that I failed my whole life.
It´s easy to expect other people pay the price we have to pay for
the things we receive or those we´d like to be receiving. This is selfish. It
is us who have to pay the price for being loved. I´m selfish and egotist too,
each time I´m expecting God to do it for myself. Can I play the piano without
using my hands? Does a guitar play its notes without anyone putting his/her
fingers on different strings?
I cannot write a poem from emptiness. Love has its music to be played.
Does an unwilling mouth sing love music without its feeling?
Emotions are self-centered. Misunderstanding may affect long-term
relationships so I have to learn the music some feelings like.
I don´t like salsa music played. I can´t dance what I disliked or
hate. I´m stubbornly convinced of the things I like or believed. Each persons
is who she/he is. No one is the same, there´s no one to blame. What are
the sounds a beating heart likes?
Character is modeled by years. We´re not the same we were and still
believe we haven´t changed. Time, experience and the intercourse of people made
me to be different. Willingly or not, I changed. Knowing the truth helped me to
behave (and I need to change more). Some are changing for their good or worst.
Some are convinced they did right or wrong. There is a longing to change, to be
improved, or to remain the same.
Christian people prayed for you and me to repent. I prayed before my
son were born and I named him Joshua for a reason.
God has blessed us all. He still works in the background and His words will not
return empty: He does what He does.
Few people would like to help you change. Some regret your change
cannot be seen soon (sometimes) but the work is His... The battle belongs
to the Lord!
Let say my son does not like someone asks him to stop smoking or
drinking. Someday he will realize he was wrong, same way those who stubbornly
sinned. He may argue alone and talk back “he was like that”, but these people will help him to change: “Iron sharpens iron”.
Dozen of people are praying before you and I die. They´re asking you
(and me) to turn from our sins, to convert to God, to live a holy living...
Will you pay attention, my son? (I love you)
Joshua told me he
says the kind of man he is, before being engaged...
He likes alcohol, cigarettes and still being deaf to listen my warns: Did I tell your
grandpa died from cancer?
He agreed tobacco is a drug. Many could see it as a sin, but I
couldn´t tell him there are more things to change to really love. What if a
girl disappoints him more? What if he cheats on her?
I worship You, God! ´cause you´re the only ONE I could trust my
whole life to die or live.
I left my son with the promise he would send me a text message when
he buys his new-brand mobile. I will give him his new FB and mail accounts so
he use them the way that could bring him life.
I wish you commit to God, my son, so He could build with you an enduring home.
A.T. Sept 2, 2013
