FB

Last Friday I went to the nearest cybershop in this crazy city. There I spoke to Angel and we arranged to meet on Sunday, when I´m suppose to clean and get updated the server of that shop. There were some empty seats and I marveled why, because many were working or getting ready for their dates to go out. I needed to check my emails and that stuff I don´t do on my slow phone. Within some minutes, I noticed some of the things a nice looking blond chubby child was doing at my right. By the moment I came in, He was playing counterstrike on line but, after half an hour, he had his facebook account opened, and I saw how his mate was helping him from his right.

“Tell her this! And write that...” Told a thin teenager on the row, while I checked my on-line stuff.

It was a funny time. I like to go there because it is not a noise place and the air conditioner works at ease. I teach them often how to keep the machines working and I have learner there several things I enjoy now.

“Accept her! Don´t let her go”. Said my neighbor´s friend to the child.

Suddenly, as large as the thin young boy is, he came to the boy´s keyboard and helped the chubby child to write messages into facebook.

I couldn´t stop myself from looking straight to the screen to see what was going on that play. Quickly I notice this blond fat boy had several invitations to a friendship, so I recommended him to accept the all.

He was reluctant!

-This is ugly! I don´t like her. Look at her face! He said.

Then, I quickly told.

-Look at you, first! You´re not thin or tall. You may have your nice looking face, but you don´t need to despise people the outside appearance... Are they asking you to be married? Ha! Ha!

-No! No! But I don´t like these.

He had more than 15 invitations. I had no idea what made him to be so popular in there or out there, but the very moment reminded me how I was at that age, the things I did wrong, some people I hurt.

-Look at me boy! -I said-. At this age is rare someone smiles at me. When you grow old you would grow cold, and few people would care about you. Do you want to be alone? Is it fare you dismiss them that way? Let´s make a deal! Those you don´t want or like, SEND THEM TO ME!

The other guy was laughing at my childish way to arguing with the kid. I saw those pictures I dare to check and insisted on.

-If you don´t like that girl, ask her mother write to me!

-NO! I don´t like her face.

-Does her face tell you how she is?... I wish I knew if her mother is single or divorced. Ha! Ha!

There were many things said. I wish I could have a video or an exact record of the things I say when seriously kidding.

Suddenly two young girls came in to shop. These aren´t older than 25 and the clerk is very popular with one of them.

-¡Edwin! Dános par de máquinas, por una hora... (Give us two PCs for an hour).

These girls came wearing tight shorts, which is the “sexy” fashion for fat or nice looking girls here. They´re thin, young and single; but it wasn´t my chance to “pulling the legs”, as British people could say. (He! He!)

While I was uploading some pics on Netlog, I perceived these two newcomers started to draw more attention than usual. They were shouting and talking about their impressions on FB and, of course, I was far enough to see those things clear; but they wanted full attention, so many of us turned faces to see and hear.

Half of the chat room paid attention on those girls, including me. I said a couple of funny things at random and laughed at their expense; but I kept my place with the kids, and were whispering things about them. They said a couple of nasty words. They shouted and needed more of the usual attention because they think they are alive, desirable (I don´t trust too much on appearance).

Where do I come from?

The chubby boy reminded me that one whom I was, the man I must watch and beware of. He is honest, clean as many children, and has the same standards I once got.

I liked the way his nearer friend helped him to reply those girls who wanted his personal friendship, but those kind words belonged to another and, being fair, that friendship belongs to another; since the chubby boy do not care, but for body beauty (I would care for it, if I planned to re-marry) :P

Youth gives us some fancy ideas that took time for me to change. There we believed childish things that keep on coming, sticky ideas hard to get rid of, but life is not real life unless we see things the way we should.

I remember how I looked at the people of my age. I remember some words I said and the ideas I got when being a teenager or a man of 30. Some things remain the same. My eyes are alive and my mind thinks she is living, but I know all the truth is on God, our Creator.

I´m happy I have met good people. I learn from those who freely share their life and it is interesting how written words can bring joy or healing to those who seek. No everybody is willing to give his/her best; but many writers have done so: Goethe... Desmond Morris, Pilar Sordo and dozens who never expected anything in turn. (May God bless ALL of them).

I´m sure many people will recover to live their life. I´ve known some who helped me when I was sad, bitter in sorrows, during the process of my divorce, and God sent them as “rescue party” (no names mentioned in here).

Pornography serves for nothing. Social sites are not better (or worst) than real people, but we cannot live totally isolated.

An urban hermit needs to interact with him and his humanity. We cannot know God if we don´t know people. They serve us like mirrors, and they show what they´ve got and what we are (and here is where any starts to make his/her amendment).

I clearly remember how I was in high school. I have some memories, on those things certain girls told about me, and sometimes I wish I could come back to tell them I was wrong or they were wronged.

Perhaps, I don´t know, there would be a time to tell them “I´m sorry!”. I did this or that and I was wrong. “I hurt you”, “I liked you”... and life was self-seeking, I lived in a rush, that I had no time to make the best choices nor to think them twice.

Yes!

Perhaps, one day in eternity, there would be that time to amend, to bring some joy; but last week I met one of those classroom mates who have forgotten me (I don´t really care! But it is factual and true). There are more than 30 years. I don´t remember her name, but her face; and I had to tell her some names to help her recover the memory. She said she acknowledged she studied at the same place I was and, of course, I don´t remember having misbehaved, but that taught me memory fades, some things are unimportant, and some people can help you to back up where your are lost, with pieces of their collective memory: I kept pieces they loved or hated. I keep what I made mine, same way as they´ve got theirs.

The mind is interesting. I have no way to say my mind is my soul. There is no “scientific” way I can prove one thing against the other; but I know both are mine, in one body.

What about the people I met yesterday? They would grow old, and not cold. Perhaps one may think she (or he) is glowing like a star, but they will find the way... (and this is not in faKebook).

Today (Saturday, May 25th) before I publish this note, I was walking a crowed street while returning my mother´s. I was asking the prices for paint and some materials while I noticed a short woman in front of me. She took too long to keep on walking and I saw she had a big burden on her shoulders. I thought she was about to be fainted and I asked if I could possibly help. The man in front of her insisted on her behalf, so I kept on asking why she was carrying alone stuff.

“I have no one to help me!”. She weakly said, re-starting to breath.

“I´m sure, as soon as go get home, there would be people who are willing to “help” when you prepare this food.” I replied.

-They give me the money to buy food, but nobody comes.

-Ask them to buy you a slave, instead. It´s better, for your back and health, that you buy anything to carry this heavy load. You don´t deserve this!

After this chat, I noticed her release. I hardly could move the load she was bearing (it was near to 30 Kgs) and took it to the bus stop, where I left her.

How many times we have missed real people, or chances, to help others while bypassing real situations?

She is about 60 and I´ve helped a couple like this. Their children or relatives enjoy their life, while these are left alone, and all forgotten.

Hide & Seek

There is an interesting human behavior in society and on the Internet. I would name it “Hide and Seek”, but surely mind researchers have named it properly.

I've seen the way how many people use to dress up each day, but on Fridays, many of them wear the “best”, same way church goers dress up to attend some meetings.

All the week we dress like common workers or the average, but on Fridays some others look better, well-fashioned and, many reasons are concerning socializing, their going out with somebody. Isn't it like wearing a mask or an uniform?

My sister's daughter told me some of her reasons... The company where she works gives its workers permission to relax, to wear casual on Fridays and she feels better, but she has to keep the company's standard and executive modesty.

As an outsider, I see how girls try to look sexier on Fridays, wearing higher shoes when they're going to work, and I cannot not be fooled, they are free to do what they're pleased and allowed by conventional common laws but, Am I keeping God's standards of modesty?

I cannot deny the fact that I've looked one some girls the way I shouldn't but, Am I the only one fighting against the lust of these eyes?

Some of them have looked me down while I just stared or felt “alive”.  Ja! Ja!

I'm not the only. I know of girls, ladies and men who struggle the same (we all are humans). There are some fleshy ideas coming when we look wrongly at someone we considered sexy or nice looking, since we were trained to think the way the world keeps on teaching and I'm thankful that married women or engaged couples have noticed that certain “naked” fashion and open-minded social behaviors make any to look “sexy” or humanly desirable, far beyond normal friendship or casual dating.

God's fashion and dressing standards are being learned by those who walk in His Spirit. Those who know how eyes can lie, and are developing self control, even when we can forget -sometimes- Jesus gave us a lecture on avoiding looking at persons lustfully (it's a human drive that calms down sometimes when being married)

I'm thankful for those women who hide and are dressed up with modesty, married or not. These are the ones who know what they want and what a man can really offer them to be married. I'm against free open-minded dating, unless I have known a young lady willing to marry me but, if we haven't been good friends, the road is lost... I have wasted time!

On the Internet I foolishly laughed on some tricks I know. I've seen dissatisfied women pretending to be single or separated, but they're not alone. Some single mothers “hide and seek” same ways like men, but these last are easily understood, because this trick has always happened on secular society, and the “law” permits anyone to lie and hurt others, under common social consent.

I know real stories of men and women cheating on line. Some of them pretended to play a fair hide and seek game, but many were married or engaged to another, and some of my female friends have told me sad stories where they felt a real love, they felt being loved by the appropriate Mr Right One and, when personally meeting in a date, they were actually loving women who have used their mask to lie, using the Internet to access humans minds or personal writings.

There are good stories to talk about (I have published some of them on the Internet) and this kind of online human intercourse may serve those who never had a real life or a short one for themselves. “Dating” or playing “Hide and Seek” on the Internet, as well as in real life, may serve some to grow up, but grown-up Christians ought to be reminded this is just another play that can hurt and sometimes kill, both, emotionally and physically.

I like those persons, like me, who warn people not to enter their profile or info. It's like those houses that placed some signs telling people: “Beware of the dogs”. Is it a rotty dog you would meet? (is it a hungry tiger or a cougar?)   :P

No transgressors are allowed, but PMs are sent to “knock down minds doors”, and it's shown some houses are broken in, same way some minds are cracked here or somewhere else.

Christians minds are set on God's standards. God's laws are firewalls and anti-virus.

I know that, those who are using avatars have their committed reasons to hide and to avoid being sought (Some people are for chatting, and not wooing).

I have lately seen how girls and ladies are chased in the streets, same way on chat rooms. I'm glad God allowed me to be men. I've seen how girls are pretty different than us, and no wonder why we keep on searching for the missing piece rather than the missing peace. They are lovable, because God made them to be lovable, more than once (unless we both misbehave).

I beg women understand our misbehaviors. The world gave us same bad lessons you were trained to avoid or cling to. The Internet may serve to play games, but it also serves to train our children to avoid being cheated or hurt. Cats and lions hugely train their kids to live: A dog bites to avoid being bitten, and a sweet bee stings, when she sees someone tries to steal her honey (or money).

I don't like playing games, I won't knock on “risky zones”, I don't like hidden faces, and will not visit those who deeply love their signs of “Beware of the dog” placed at the entrance as “welcome” carpets (I don't like to bark at the wrong tree).

Some Christians sites are bringing blessings rather than other places. Some of us are so deeply hurt that we do not dare to be healed, and don't try a new healing (that's lawful and conventional understood).

Perhaps here, on earth, we have too little common ground. Perhaps my likeness serves only my mirror so I could wash my face once, to look after my selfish thoughts, and to be engaged with dreams, because urban people like to find out where their prey is... Is this instinctively done by Christians too? I quit!

Life is a lottery, and I have heard the same. I don't want to bet any longer: “No one could receive anything if it doesn't come from above.” Said John, the baptist.

I beg the righteous kingdom of God comes soon into my life. I beg to be taken into His presence and have some room to be a true hermit, the way I think I am.

Betting never pays well! Because: “Easy comes easy goes”

Looking at the positive.

I love Jesus' way to approach people. He wasn't playing games and, more than that, He played fairly honest when asking questions. I'd like to share the way He talked to a “solitary” woman, during the noon of a hot day (John 4:6). They talked and, apparently, they both were alone (John 4:8), because the disciples marveled when returning (John 4:27).

Jesus wasn't playing “Hide and Seek”, He wasn't sending hypocritical PMs, but He only asked her to bring her mate to share, and she said she wasn't married (John 4:16-18). Was she wearing social masks?

She became interested in which thing He has to offer and, in fact, she asked Him, who He was when perceiving His grace (John 4:12).

Jesus was not judgmental. Instead, He said she was telling “the truth”, but we are aware she was telling another thing and many of us say one thing, avoiding telling the envious or hidden truth: Are you single? I'm divorced. Would I rather say separated or engaged? No! I can't afford it.

Jesus always acted according to His preaching. That time, 2000 years ago, He came to save humans; next time He will come to judge, while interceding for those He knew, for those He loved, those who have repented their sins and sought after His will.

We don't know what is in everybody's mind, but we play hide and seek. Jesus knew she was telling half the truth and He acknowledged the positive side of it, and bypassed the negative. We play games and hurt, but that's not the way it should be.

Why some people warn not to use PMs? (Personal Messages) Up to them!

Why do I need to use PMs, if I can say openly my real thoughts? Privacy is foolish. The Internet servers are monitored and, more important than this, I could be banned by God ETERNALLY.

We are afraid of many things. We don't want to be molested or disturbed. We don't want to be hurt (while hurting and hunting the prey).

I seldom go to hidden faces or places. I always looked after nice looking faces, and seldom to the ugly duck...

Should I say, instead, “We” to mention more people than just the evil in me? (I regret this code working in my mind, so I protest.)

I will not apologize for being me. I cannot remove this incoherent program I own deep in me (but I keep on trying).

I thank you just for being you, for letting me know who you are; and I did nothing to help, but confessed me and denounce the world we all are living in.

A.T.

She´s a gem.

She is hidden in words... 

Deep like stones of diamonds, or metals like her doors of gold.


She is not a bird of rare feather; she is a dream who has real dreams...


She is dreamed and covered up with unveiled poetry! 


A wholehearted woman
with her lips has sealed
A poem made of love
with her fruits revealed.
 
There's idealization
when blind eyes can't see
at the hunch of a feeling
open hearts may seek.
 
Do not dare so easy
sweet words dismiss;
her lips and its warnings
could bring you peace.
 
What would you, honey
in this world reveal?
With me it's the notion 
that your life could heal.
 
Your kissing has the sealing
inner beauty revealed.
Your wings hold the motions
all my life concealed.
 
Turn me back from deception
pull me back, with your seeds.
Your eyes have the blinking
anyone could see.
 
I've read all the lines, 
from the hands to feet,
I am  simply astonished,
you have loved with need.
 
You are a gem!
You're like poetry!
(And it seeks after itself)
 
A.T.                         May 2013

Made Vulnerable

Yesterday it was not an easy day. In fact, these two last weeks were unnecessarily stressing, but I´m here to help, and I hope to rest for the Passover.

I have lived too long with my mother. She´s not the person I would say I love to be tagged along, but I´m here because of work, because I can do many things I don´t do at home, and I´m planning to be where I belong, where I want to be: Home!

Yesterday, while I walked to my sister´s, I was shocked with the images of an emergency. I saw a white jeep running like an arrow, just to reach quickly the hospital. I saw several people crying, showing sour tears and their faces were sadly in desperation. I felt myself useless, so I prayed God for help and faster healing. I begged Him to save those who were wounded or hurt. I prayed that they might get the hospital soon, and I was also surprised with the help some motorcyclists where giving the driver to get his way open (it´s the first time I see them being a blessing, rather than an upsetting problem on the streets).

I wanted to check my emails boxes. I had no idea on the mess I had there, but I left the inbox same way I found it: Out of order, unclassified.

While I was surfing over pages of letters, looking for the one I needed, I found several I had forgotten; so I started to read them all soon, as I was reminded of things I needed to relearn.

There is trash in my mind. Sometimes I leave it there without noticing, but sometimes these torn papers can be useful to reread…

Mónica, the one I lost sight of in Colombia, spoke to this living life that dies. She reminded me things I had forgotten and spared me from doing wrongs. I relearnt how adult love should be, what it´s meant for, and that I should not be led by decisions that would damage or cause any to suffer wrongs.

One thing is having a poor self-esteem, but another issue is the evolvement of a human being interacting with others, following his/her hunches, likes or desires…

After getting the information I searched letter by letter, I felt better. Wow! It was releasing. It was like meeting her twice, and it has been several days I had a little pain in my left arm… I won´t go to any doctor. If it is what I suspect, let it be done. If it is what it is not, let it happened: I don´t want to live any longer.

I do not care what any may think of or say to me. Life is a decision, it´s an option and the one I´d like to live it´s not at the corner.

I´ve been telling God, long ago, that I don´t want to live like my mother (to resume this, her attitude sucks) and often I´ve told her -kidding with some irony- that now I know why my dad left (I´m told -even by dreams- I should leave her, but I hadn´t left some strings and apron).

Honor your parents! (but if they dishonor you, don´t clap).

Love them all! (but if someone hurts you, don´t expect a nice picture taken).

I was tired these days. I needed a relieving break. And I slept well last night.

I woke up early, before the time I set my alarm clock to wake me up (because I planned to go home to rest from city people and its burden of stress).

After chewing those thoughts those letters gave me, I felt happy for those people I have known and met. I´m happy because some may leave same way I left, and I´m sure we never meant it that way, but such is life: We give and receive.

Show your ways

I think it´s good to show us the way we are. There are people who like to play games to show who they really are or what they want. Sometimes we hide ourselves in our childish ideas, dreams, longs or fears, but these all serve to cover up the truth that must be shown, to pile up too many things over reality, and honesty should be open like our wounded hearts -hurt flesh- to receive opportune healing or acknowledgement.

Now I guess why Mónica changed. I know my reasons, but I gave half of what I could give. I do not fully trust. I don´t give my all, and time has given me lessons to keep on.

She needed more than I had, more than I gave her, and that´s ok: She was right. I was not the one she thought she needed. Besides, I had some switches on to be tear-proof conditioned and I didn´t do my best.

Was I living with her alone? Was I content with all her ways? (None of both)

I´m thankful for all the lessons some people had told me. Friends, like Richard, told me there is truth (and lies) everywhere we go, the exception is if we learn to walk with God (I can use -and abuse- His name, but I´ll finally pay my wrongs)

Living under somebody´s parents is not like living in your home. Others can be cherished, behaving better than your family; but only those are your bones. Blood doesn´t come with your family bonds and feelings.

When I moved outside Venezuela I moved to be free from bondage; but I made a mistake I did not correct soon, and now I see what I missed: A good woman and her family.

Sometimes we have to put on things we dislike, and my disadvantage was being under somebody´s roof:

·         If I fasted her family knew it and said anything on the contrary.

·         If I wanted to learn on the internet, they ruled over me and set me a schedule…

We, as Christians, have to toil our pace. Our rights have a price.

We can be vulnerable (we always are) but disadvantages are to be utterly reduced.

I remembered several sad stories Mónica told to me... The man she had before I came into her life, insisted too much on her. She disliked him a lot. She could not like him, so he begged and begged, and she gave him a chance.

The sad things started when she was despised, hurt and lately cheated…

I liked the way Mónica and I shared, but we allowed ourselves some minor mistakes that broke our relationship and those faults spoiled good things we could be enjoying now (but we bet our decisions) (we were quite different)

There are many things involved in loving. One part of it is visceral and quite selfish: We love those who we like. We “love” because we´re being loved by those we like/liked. Those beings we don´t know, those we don´t like, are set apart in the seat of lost things, and they´re there waiting in case somebody comes to claim for them, visiting the emptiness of the abandoned department.

Love is a choice.

Those who are prettier than others suffer more than we, as ugly people. Those who are handsome commit more decisional mistakes than those who are not richly blessed with beauty or the utter attractiveness we lacked. The world gives what it takes…

Appearance helps to get a job, to be coped with in certain social status and to be popular, but character endures shortcomings. Some have used popularity to reach the scene plateau, but character helps you and I to walk assured.

I know of people who were beautiful in their youth. I know the people they thought they were and know what they now think (and felt) when being rejected to be left behind, for being fat, “ugly” or poor. Our eyes –believed or not- sometimes are a disadvantage: I know it well. I have a short list of names, and peoples, who see like I saw…

There´s a nice woman who told me her story: She was rich, thin, with a beautiful body… But time cashed her back everything she thought she owned: Marriage, her family and the money she thought belonged to her.

She has told me some sad stories of her children. I will not tell those, but she wasn´t loved by the person she is. She was “loved” for money, she was “loved” by her body shape, “loved” for sex; but the real woman was hidden until she got old and sick (that´s happening to me).

What´s your loving made for?

Why have I loved those I thought I loved? (Mine is selfishness)

Sex is a driver. It is a feeling very addictive and much more than food, because of the strings I made of lust. Money spending is nothing compared to the itching of lust, because of the power of its addiction; but it ceases when getting old, when getting sick and really poor.

I have seen many people who have healed (I´m on my way to healing).

I have seen those who lack a leg, an arm… Those paralyzed by genuine physical reasons, and I know they have much more real ailments and mental handicaps than those who do not consider themselves richly blessed, when being complete, as a whole being blessed.

I have seen the effort they do to move a tottering leg, to control their unsteady arm or whole body, and some of us argued against God because we´re not smart, rich or terribly handsome. (Why do I blame God? Did my father or mother talked to Him first? Was I asked in prayers?)

Inwardly we are selfish (I know I am).

I know what I can do and what others expect me to do (I left some screwed up).

I´m used to walk by sight, I can´t deny it (who dares to say they´re not too?).

I like youth rather than being old, but we came here to be tested and that weak character will be changed (or divinely despised).

Time is giving us a lesson we learn, sooner or later: The core being of us is beneath outer skin and this withers with the proud of years, pains, to take out what´s inside.

What is leaving corpses when we die? (The spirit)

Isn´t it nothing, but dust, that remains when our soul goes where God has chosen?

Soul is the software for the hardware of “beauty”. Many people have wonderful software working on bad hardware.

Regrets? I´ll be one, if I don´t change (Yet!)

Ideally, both software and hardware must match. But I have seen there´s no perfection on earth.

The hardware -too often- cannot be changed; but I´ve seen the software can be finely tuned and updated: I want my soul (software) updated.

The software, alone, serves for nothing; but I´ve seen those who overcame their pains and mental ailments.

A.T.             March 2013

Equal Right Works

I wish the world were like that (as your site says) but the truth is another, and sure there are boundaries...

I hope, one day, those that are in the cage of certain nations (like Venezuela) could reach the unlimited space the www has set open for working and serving others.

It´s true that many firms, States and companies seek for the best (they deserve them and are paid for that) but there´s still a hope for those who were born in a world of contradictions and screening limitations, and to break those chains -too often- money is needed, much more than a human will or his/her working capability or good attitude.

I pray that GOD set me free, free from other humans´ will and hindering limits, because ALL were born free from rules, customs and dictatorial goverments.

 

A.T.